Eric Cartman (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} beefcake_cop) wrote,@ 2008-02-09 08:54:00 |
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One Question For Show and Tell
The air around him was cold and still, as Eric Cartman, Jedi Knight, made his way through the hallways at school. It was “Show and Tell Day” and he drank his box of Yoo Hoo with deep reflection and sucking motion. When he had finished, he saw a trash receptacle across the hall, too far away to make in a simple shot, with his short arms. But Eric just smiled. He knew the Force was on his side. With a simple, underhanded toss, the drink box arched, and then landed with a thud on the floor, about three feet from the intended target.
“Goddammit!”
Closing his eyes, he forced himself to let the Force flow through him, and then peacefully walked on, leaving the trash there, so that the janitor could fulfill his destiny, and pick it up. Eric was wise in those ways.
Entering the classroom, he stood in the front of the room, waiting for the eyes of the children to turn to him.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Finally, it was Stan who turned and stared, yelling out his greeting of respect.
“Dude! Is that a dress you’re wearing? Look Kyle! Cartman’s wearing a dress!”
Mr. Garrison turned from the board, and blinked. “Eric, cross dressing is something that I have an understanding for, but this is “Show and Tell Day”, not “To Wong Foo Day”.
“Padawans, shut thy traps. It is I, Master Eric, Jedi Knight. I am here to show you the ways of the force. But first, before I go forth with this Show and Tell, I must know one thing about each of you.”
Eric was talking, huffing and puffing, as he climbed up on the table in the front of the room.
“Dude, what the fuck? You can’t be a Jedi! You have to be in High School before you can be a Jedi, dude!” Stan was staring at the long, flowing robes that Cartman was struggling with as he climbed. “Your mom’s gonna be pissed if you tear her robe, dude. Didn’t that come from Victoria’s Secret?”
Cartman could sense he was losing the crowd, so he pulled out the lightsaber that Yoda gave him, and pushed the button. A long, pink light extended out, to the ooohs and ahhhs of the class. Eric frowned, reminding himself he needed to talk to Obi-Wan about the pink, dude. But it was okay for now.
“This is a lightsaber. An elegant weapon, from a time where skill and grace mattered. Now, kids just rely on AK-47’s and spitballs. But the lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi. This was given to me by Master Yoda, who is living proof that size does not matter. Now, the question you must all answer is this: Dark or Light? Which side will you choose?” The cold air around Cartman seemed to darken, which made even him shiver in the chiffon robes.
“I like light meat. It goes better with the cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving.” Wendy piped up, impressed by the size of Cartman’s wand.
Mr. Garrison piped up, “Now, children, I must say that dark meat has its pleasures as well. Why I was just telling Chef last night at the Pussycat bar that I was rediscovering my love for dark meat…”
“I’m not talking about MEAT!” Cart man sputtered, waving the lightsaber. “I’m talking about the Force, you stinking morons! I’ll feed you all to the bantha if you don’t shut the hell up! Dark side or light side of the FORCE! Which one?”
Kenny mumbled, something about the dark side guys got more chicks, while the light side guys found out that the hot chicks were their freaking sisters.
“Dude, you got a point. But as my close personal friend, Anakin ‘Big Balls to the Wall’ Skywalker can tell you, the dark side can turn you from a slightly stiff boy with attitude into a full on asshole. So watch out for that, dude. I decided to ask everyone I meet if they are on the light side or the dark side of the force, dude, so I know if I have to kick some butt!”
Stan laughed. “Dude, you can’t get your leg up high enough to kick butt, even in that dress.”
Cartman lost sight of the peaceful flow of the force long enough to throw the lightsaber at Stan, but it bounced and sliced Kenny’s head off.
“YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU JEDI BASTARD!” Now Kyle was pissed. First Eric has sliced off his mom’s hair in church and now this? Oh, hell, no.
"Eric...this is not appropriate behavior for Show and Tell Day." Mr. Garrison frowned sternly.
"Suck my balls, how would you, Mr. Garrison, like to?" Eric can do a snappy Yoda snark with the best of them, he thought.
Cartman took advantage of the shock and throwing up from some of the class long enough to grab his lightsaber and waddle out to the door. Provided Wes Janson was there with the X-wing fighter for the ride that he promised and got the message for the time it was needed, Eric’s escape should be smooth.
“I must leave for a meeting of the Council, dudes. Then I have a dentist appointment. So remember, you have to choose the light or dark side, dudes. Just write it down and let me know, okay? Don’t try. Write or write not, buttholes. There is no try. Yeah, and uh, I gotta go.”
Eric ran, the floral robes floating behind him. Out on the playground, he looked around for the fighter.
“Goddammit! Where’s my ride?”
He sat, dejected, his grand exit ruined. Ah, hell.
Eric Cartman, Jedi Knight
Misc. TV / South Park
927 words
The air around him was cold and still, as Eric Cartman, Jedi Knight, made his way through the hallways at school. It was “Show and Tell Day” and he drank his box of Yoo Hoo with deep reflection and sucking motion. When he had finished, he saw a trash receptacle across the hall, too far away to make in a simple shot, with his short arms. But Eric just smiled. He knew the Force was on his side. With a simple, underhanded toss, the drink box arched, and then landed with a thud on the floor, about three feet from the intended target.
“Goddammit!”
Closing his eyes, he forced himself to let the Force flow through him, and then peacefully walked on, leaving the trash there, so that the janitor could fulfill his destiny, and pick it up. Eric was wise in those ways.
Entering the classroom, he stood in the front of the room, waiting for the eyes of the children to turn to him.
Waiting.
Waiting.
Finally, it was Stan who turned and stared, yelling out his greeting of respect.
“Dude! Is that a dress you’re wearing? Look Kyle! Cartman’s wearing a dress!”
Mr. Garrison turned from the board, and blinked. “Eric, cross dressing is something that I have an understanding for, but this is “Show and Tell Day”, not “To Wong Foo Day”.
“Padawans, shut thy traps. It is I, Master Eric, Jedi Knight. I am here to show you the ways of the force. But first, before I go forth with this Show and Tell, I must know one thing about each of you.”
Eric was talking, huffing and puffing, as he climbed up on the table in the front of the room.
“Dude, what the fuck? You can’t be a Jedi! You have to be in High School before you can be a Jedi, dude!” Stan was staring at the long, flowing robes that Cartman was struggling with as he climbed. “Your mom’s gonna be pissed if you tear her robe, dude. Didn’t that come from Victoria’s Secret?”
Cartman could sense he was losing the crowd, so he pulled out the lightsaber that Yoda gave him, and pushed the button. A long, pink light extended out, to the ooohs and ahhhs of the class. Eric frowned, reminding himself he needed to talk to Obi-Wan about the pink, dude. But it was okay for now.
“This is a lightsaber. An elegant weapon, from a time where skill and grace mattered. Now, kids just rely on AK-47’s and spitballs. But the lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi. This was given to me by Master Yoda, who is living proof that size does not matter. Now, the question you must all answer is this: Dark or Light? Which side will you choose?” The cold air around Cartman seemed to darken, which made even him shiver in the chiffon robes.
“I like light meat. It goes better with the cranberry sauce at Thanksgiving.” Wendy piped up, impressed by the size of Cartman’s wand.
Mr. Garrison piped up, “Now, children, I must say that dark meat has its pleasures as well. Why I was just telling Chef last night at the Pussycat bar that I was rediscovering my love for dark meat…”
“I’m not talking about MEAT!” Cart man sputtered, waving the lightsaber. “I’m talking about the Force, you stinking morons! I’ll feed you all to the bantha if you don’t shut the hell up! Dark side or light side of the FORCE! Which one?”
Kenny mumbled, something about the dark side guys got more chicks, while the light side guys found out that the hot chicks were their freaking sisters.
“Dude, you got a point. But as my close personal friend, Anakin ‘Big Balls to the Wall’ Skywalker can tell you, the dark side can turn you from a slightly stiff boy with attitude into a full on asshole. So watch out for that, dude. I decided to ask everyone I meet if they are on the light side or the dark side of the force, dude, so I know if I have to kick some butt!”
Stan laughed. “Dude, you can’t get your leg up high enough to kick butt, even in that dress.”
Cartman lost sight of the peaceful flow of the force long enough to throw the lightsaber at Stan, but it bounced and sliced Kenny’s head off.
“YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU JEDI BASTARD!” Now Kyle was pissed. First Eric has sliced off his mom’s hair in church and now this? Oh, hell, no.
"Eric...this is not appropriate behavior for Show and Tell Day." Mr. Garrison frowned sternly.
"Suck my balls, how would you, Mr. Garrison, like to?" Eric can do a snappy Yoda snark with the best of them, he thought.
Cartman took advantage of the shock and throwing up from some of the class long enough to grab his lightsaber and waddle out to the door. Provided Wes Janson was there with the X-wing fighter for the ride that he promised and got the message for the time it was needed, Eric’s escape should be smooth.
“I must leave for a meeting of the Council, dudes. Then I have a dentist appointment. So remember, you have to choose the light or dark side, dudes. Just write it down and let me know, okay? Don’t try. Write or write not, buttholes. There is no try. Yeah, and uh, I gotta go.”
Eric ran, the floral robes floating behind him. Out on the playground, he looked around for the fighter.
“Goddammit! Where’s my ride?”
He sat, dejected, his grand exit ruined. Ah, hell.
Eric Cartman, Jedi Knight
Misc. TV / South Park
927 words
